


to whom i love(d) dearly

by jerukjeju (matchaccino)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, angst without happy ending, im sorry but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29409318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matchaccino/pseuds/jerukjeju
Summary: in which mingyu writes the words he couldn't say to seungkwan.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Kim Mingyu
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	to whom i love(d) dearly

[ 08 / 03 / 19 ] 

Dear Seungkwan.

I found the sweater you were looking for.

It's actually in my dresser all along. I should've looked for it more thoroughly, I'm sorry. I know how much you liked it. I like seeing you wear it too. I think i like it even more than you do.

Pink has always looked good on you, I always loved how pretty you are wearing soft colors. I remember accidentally blurting this out to you too, you almost never wore dark colors again then... but now you're wearing black again. 

If you really changed your preferences for me... you shouldn't have done that. Even if it's the smallest things, you shouldn't have changed for anyone.

Oh, by the way, your sweater still smells like you. I think you've forgotten about it anyway, so I'm going to keep it. I hope you won't mind.

Even if you do, I want to be selfish again. 

\---

[ 15 / 03 / 19 ]

I saw you today.

You were walking out from our favorite coffee shop, I didn't know that you still go there. You ordered ice americano again, not that I'm surprised. I should've probably said hi.

I still remember how kissing you would taste like coffee. I remember you pouting after I teased you about it being unhealthy.

"Those are bold words from someone who forgets to take his vitamins everyday!" you would say, and I would laugh. 

I really took it for granted, your nagging. who knew i would miss that? You were really annoying, you know? 

But then I'd kiss you, in attempt to shut you up. You'd still be rambling then, though a bit less clear and your face would be flushed pure red. 

You're so endearing, Seungkwan. Everything about you makes my heart flutter. 

I'm missing you again today. 

(P.S. I'm actually taking my vitamins regularly now. Would you praise me for it?)

\---

[ 21 / 04 / 19 ]

Remember when I said I was envious of you? now is one of those times again.

I'm jealous of how easy it is for you to say that we should stay as friends, because we have always been close even before we dated. You said all that as if what happened didn't affect you at all.

I know it did, though. 

It still haunts me, the way you cried and begged for me not to end our relationship. You probably didn't know this, but as soon as i left, I cried too.

But I didn't have any choice. We were both busy, we started seeing each other less. I know you were lonely. I can't stand seeing you falling asleep on the couch while waiting for me to come home. You deserve someone who's able to be by your side at all times, kwannie. And I couldn't do that. 

But here you are now, with your heads held high, sincerely asking me if we would return to the way we were... when we were friends.

I know that it would hurt me even more, but i agreed. Then you smiled. I swear i felt my heart flip.

You were right. I am an idiot.

\---

[ 26 / 04 / 19 ]

Thank you for hanging out with me tonight, Kwannie. I had fun.

I already told you that but here's the longer version that you won't even read anyway. I don't even know why I keep on writing these but i have to vent my feelings somewhere, right? You used to tell me that a lot.

So.

I had fun. I really did. I know I'm wrong for saying this but for a moment I felt like nothing changed. You still hold my hand sometimes, lean into my shoulder when you laughed too hard. I forgot that we have been doing this kind of stuffs since forever. 

It still left a bitter taste in my tongue, though. How I can't lean in and kiss you whenever I want to anymore. I won't even mind the taste of americano on your lips this time. I miss how we'd go home under the same roof after our dates. I miss your warmth beside me. My bed still feels so empty without you. Even your sweater stopped smelling like you, too. Maybe I'll finally return it to you.

I'm lying on my bed again, wishing that I had known how lucky I had been when I still had you in my life.

Good night Seungkwan, I hope you'll sleep well.

\---

[ 03 / 08 / 19 ]

Am I really going to let myself hope again?

Am I really going to let myself be that idiot whose heart flutter at every bare mininum you did? Do I really deserve a second chance? 

Okay yeah no I'm freaking out. You would probably tell me to calm down if you saw. Can I help it though? You said you had something important to tell me, and your voice over the phone sounded so... hopeful? I'm running out of words to describe things now. My heart is beating so fast.

I know I shouldn't have high hopes, god I feel like a lovestruck teenager again. But we've been growing closer lately, you've been coming back to my apartement (and you even found your long lost sweater yourself inside my dresser), so maybe this means something... right?

I'm sorry I'm writing this instead of getting ready. I'll get going soon. I can't wait to see you.

\---

[ 04 / 08 / 19 ]

I'm such an idiot.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

God, I can't even cry right now. My chest hurts so bad, I feel like throwing up but nothing would come out either. All of this because of you.

Why do you still have this much control over me? Why? I hate this I hate you for making me feel this way why am I the only one feeling this way how are you fucking happy this is unfair this is all so unfai

\---

[ 15 / 08 / 19 ]

Sometimes I forgot that you're always one step ahead from me. You're really strong, you know. Even after you've fallen, you'd still pick yourself back up. That's something I don't have. I'd keep lying on the ground while pretending that I'm perfectly fine. You'd joke it's because I'm too tall and has little to no control over myself. I'm starting to think that you're right.

You're a much better person than I am. Therefore you deserve someone much better than me. Seokmin is that someone, I'm sure of it.

He's sensitive and he has a lot of tears, just like you. But he's the sweetest person alive. You didn't know this but he was so upset at me when he found out that we broke up. I don't think I've ever seen him angry like that before. We even stopped talking for a while after that.

The two of you have always meant to be. Remember when I would say the both of you are literal soulmates? Turns out I was right and I was in the way between the two of you all along. I'm sorry for wasting your time all those years.

I hope you're happy.

I wish I could say that I'd be happy if you're happy too, but that's not the case. I'm still hurting. It's almost been a year and I'm still fucking broken without you.

I miss you so much. There isn't a day where I didn't wish I'd wake up with you in my arms, and finding out that this was all a bad dream. 

\---

[ 04 / 02 / 20 ]

Dear Seungkwan, this will be my last letter for you. About you.

I knew I was setting myself up for another round of heartbreaks as soon as I stepped outside my apartement. When you said you wanted to meet me at the park where we had our first kiss. My steps were heavy, along the way I kept telling myself I should just turn back and lock myself inside my bedroom. But I kept walking until I saw you sitting on that bench.

It was late and you looked cold. You were startled when I gave you my scarf without saying anything. You were the one who always scolded me for not wearing enough layers, and yet here you are.

We sat together in comfortable silence. No one else is there, given it's almost 2 in the morning. 

(you had a cup of hot chocolate in your hand, I see Seokmin somehow managed to make you drink coffee less.)

It felt like forever until you finally broke the silence.

I'm getting married tomorrow, you said. I know, I said. 

You said that you were happy. You said that you loved Seokmin so much and that you're glad to have him in your life. I expected you to say all that.

Then you said when Seokmin finally went down on one knee, you suddenly thought about me.

You said you were sorry. You said that you should've tried harder for the both of us. You said that even though Seokmin is the one you love right now, you can't help but think about how it would be if we were still together.

That was so cruel of you, you know? When i finally thought I've moved on, my resolution crumbled that instant. Even after all this time, you still have me wrapped inside your pretty fingers. 

I hate it when you cry. You're the brightest person who had walked on this earth, I won't ever get used to seeing you sad. You only deserve happinesd and I would give the whole world for you if it makes you smile.

When I held you in my arms, it reminded me of the old days where you would cry over your papers and I would hold you tight until you calm down. I'd give everything to go back to those days, where I had you by my side without any care in the world.

I slipped and I said that I still love you, throughout all these years my feelings remain the same. I wish I didn't say that so I wouldn't have to witness you looking at me with those eyes.

What was the point, anyway? It doesn't matter. It won't change anything. It's too late.

I wiped your tears—hoping I could still kiss them away like how I used to. You would smile right away, saying how it's gross that I got my own salliva all over your face. I wonder if your small chuckle meant that you wished for the same too.

We laughed but it tasted nothing but bitter in my mouth. We laughed at the happy ending we could've had. We laughed at the fact that it could be us standing on the altar. 

I didn't even expect you to still have your promise ring. 

I wanted to tell you to keep it, but for what exactly? Maybe a part of me wants you to see it everyday, to always have a part of me with you. But I've been cruel enough these past few years, I want to do something right. The ring feels so heavy in my pocket and I wanted to throw it away.

We said our goodbyes after a long, awkward silence.

As I watched your back, I wanted nothing more but to pull you by the hand and hold you. I want to feel your lips on mine, just for the last time. But I'm not that stupid. I know it's not the right thing to do—for the both of us.

You were, however. And I don't mind.

I remember our first kiss like it was yesterday. We were both nervous and it was awkward but it tasted sweet, and it felt like home. I felt blissful, that it was only the start of many more. 

This one felt anything but that.

The familiarity of it hurts me deeply. Kissing you still feels like home, even though you're no longer my place to be. Nothing, no one would be able to replace this feeling and I hate that I'm still so stupidly weak for you.

Your breaths were shaky when we parted and I missed your warmth already.

"Please be happy," You said. I couldn't answer. 

I told you the obvious; that you were my first love. You chuckled and said I was yours too. I told you about how people say that you won't forget your first love, and how i'd still keep loving you.

"I'll always love you too," You said. I couldn't answer, again.

When we finally parted ways, i couldn't stop my tears from falling. I didn't realize I've been holding it in for so long. You wouldn't believe how pathetic I was—curled up sobbing, weeping, hoping for things that would never happen. Hoping for a better ending for us. Heck, I even fell asleep on the floor. My entire body still hurts.

I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to come today. You've probably exchanged your vows already.. I could see your crying face from here. I hope Seokmin kisses your tears away like I did.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I'm leaving too. Didn't we argue a lot because I worked hard to pursue my dream job and you felt abandoned? I thought you were selfish but I was the one who's wrong. Or maybe we're both wrong. Not that it matters anyway—but I finally got it. I'm moving to Japan in 3 days. I don't feel too excited, but I'm trying to be. Hopefully I would get busy enough to forget the pain.

Boo Seungkwan, You were the center of my universe. I won't fall for anyone as hard as I fell for you, but I'll learn to live with that. You made me so happy and I'm still grateful that I had you in my life even though it has to end like this. Those dream-like moments will forever stay in my memories. I hope you'd still remember me in a positive light too, in a way.

I'm sorry for being so stupid. You didn't deserve that, you didn't deserve me. 

Thank you for being in my life, and goodbye.

I will always love you.

**Author's Note:**

> (posts an angst fic on valentine's day) heck yeah
> 
> this is actually an old fic i wrote last year, as suggested by the date on mingyu's notes. i was going through my old writings and thought hey this wasnt too bad so i impulsively decided to publish this publicly on ao3 at 4am. yay. maybe i'll regret this, who knows
> 
> thanks for reading! have a nice day and stay safe everyone <3


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